Balance-Unbalance

You can’t walk in my shoes…The balance between me and you.. aren’t the same.

I’m unbalanced on so many levels..that it balances me out….People tend to think that I’m “weird” on which I say “I know, I’m Loco”…Scatters of laughter around me as they tick, wink and twitch at my statement….Stares

Mental I say…My mind has a “mind” of it’s own…Strange as I sit an look at what goes on around me….Am I sane or insane…I say the Unicorns will tell me it’s okay….Unicorns is that what I said…..Yeah I said it..what’s wrong I believe in Unicorns..

Imagine the conversations I have with myself…It will blow your mind..Balance to Unbalance..

I only pay attention if I like you a lot, I just need balance is that to much to ask for.

Anxiety rules my life now, Depression is my friend now..No one knows…those close to me at least..What I go through…

The thoughts that cross my mind..END IT END IT…Noooooooo!!! I scream in fear of what I realize I’m telling myself to do…not so INSANE as I thought..

Do I need help…Anxiously….I mutter out…”It’s not worth ending….Phoenix you will be okay”…I fail to believe what I tell myself at times…is it what I want, or is it just an easy way out….WEAK..VULNERABLE…MISUNDERSTOOD…CONFUSED…NO NO NO NO

YOU..Yes you which is me… are not any of the above you will fight this…Anxiety is waking up worried about the day ahead ..it hasn’t even started yet…..BUT YOU WORRIED!!!! WHYYYYYYY!!!!

I try I do…anxiously I go through this life, my days, months and years..Misunderstood..or so I think..Anxiously I wait to be understood through all my madness.

Balance or Unbalanced…Anxiety is what balances me….

 

 

 

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I was never wanted….

Well born I was..raised I am…alone I became

I have had this and that, tit for tat they say..hey….are you gay?

Nah, never..me ? Well whatever you want me to be…

Don’t label things never not me..I always like what I see.

“What is it she sees” They say..Come I tell you.

Repulse the day I was born.. I never knew what it was to be part of the norm…”Hey join us for a drink” “uhm maybe, wait let me think”

I twiddle, I toss I turn..I end up giving it up for nothing in return.. Hahaha funny me, funny you…why you doing this to me..I lived for you..I fought for you..I cried for you…I hated me more… all because of you…You never wanted me..I envied me..I gave you everything I even let you roam free…But you never wanted me.

I gave you life..you took it from me, all I ever wanted was to have a mini me…jokes a side..wait He wants to take me for a ride…I crumbled…my life was all a mumble..I fumble I twist and turn..all for nothing .. They all left me with nothing in return.

The Circle of Life

I have come to the realization that life is but a metaphor of what it depicts to us.

Life what does it give us besides joy, hurt, laughter and reluctancy of living…..

My life has been but far from fun..it has had heartbreaks and rejections, pain and reflections of many a man without affections….Towards me…the me I so willing gave to them

I sometimes sit and wonder, I ponder what is it that makes them so comfortable in deceiving me and making it look so easy leaving me…

I deprive myself from the tendency to react maliciously to the action of my reflection that has left me scared and barren.

I think: ” why didn’t my mother ever bother” I am incomplete as a woman…..empty from inside out and yet no one knows what it is I have to go through

Eyes set on me, looking at me like I have leprosy…..I’m weak, acting strong, I will never be able to give a man a new born..

I’m hollow on the inside, as what a vase would be without any flowers in it.

I define emptiness, as I am not content within myself as to who and what I am.

I’m incomplete, yet I have so much to give…So much to give then what meets the eye

I may never be a mother…the circle is incomplete…It stopped with me.

 

 

Reflection

I’m a reflection of all the perceptions everyone has of me.

Sick and tired of the judging

I’m a wanderer but I’m not lost..

Battles I’ve fought, overcame and relived..

Again and Again

The pounding of my demons at my mind…I shout..I cry..I scream..

Reflecting what they see, is it them I have failed or is it me  ?

A reflection of a sinner a reflection of a winner a reflection of me..is what I allow you to see…